Heartaches

Sometimes I no longer understand if I should give importance to a heartache, the fact of acutely missing somebody, etc…

Really I used to wonder if a heartache can be felt, and it sure does.
I literally can feel my left chest area aching and I feel like there’s something missing…and my heart tears up…

It isn’t the first time I’ve felt this kind of pain, but this time it feels more ‘real’, more ‘tangible’,…

I’m just waiting for the fire within to die out and it sure is taking its time…

I just resigned, given up…or trying to.

Every breath feels like a fight against myself to let it all go and put my trust in something more powerful so as to stand up, complete and filled up with love, peace as well as happiness…

With time, I’m reaching out for comfort and solace in the arms of my God, praying for the strength to face it all alone…

I have to, try, for the first time, to mend myself whole, back again with the help of God instead of searching for comfort in the wrong places…

I’m sad to feel that there is no true peace, companionship and friendship, in the arms of another human being. It isn’t perfect. Nor even close to perfect.

I haven’t been blessed with someone I can rely on at my lowest lows, nor a shoulder to cry on, nor been special enough to someone, so I must do with what I have.

I try not to resent anyone…simply to welcome the tears and the pain, for it is better I suffer silently than show others where the wounds are, they will only inflict pain in exactly the same places…

Don’t speak, don’t cry, just keep to yourself, and look carefully for those rare gems that bring solace and joy to your heart when it is hurting badly!

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Who’s to know if…

Over the years, I’ve lost track of who I am…
I’ve bore the brunt of injustice.
I know about betrayal.
I’ve felt hatred so deep I would wish death and everything disgusting that could happen to those who had hurt me.
I’ve cloaked myself with indifference.
And then step by step, I’ve started to let go of all those walls…
I no longer felt hatred, no longer felt the need to strike back, an eye for an eye…I would forgive…and even forget…that if you asked me to recollect every moment of hurt, I wouldn’t say much…

But now, I’m just tired of people.
There are all shades of people.

At the end of the day, I’m tired of the effort it took me to lend a hand, give a smile, be there…i feel empty…

Like my sole reason to be was to enlighten the lives of others at the detriment of mine for no one lightens my life as much as I would want to…

I’m the fool who really cares…while some are faking it…

To stop living for oneself alone is good, but don’t let anyone use you, walk over yourself…which I do for I absolutely hate conflicts…
I prefer peace so much that I just don’t break out in anger. I keep it inside.
I focus on something else rather than the anger…

I’m angry for the challenges I face are so huge…
I’m angry for none of my dreams have ever come true.
It’s so frustrating. As I go to sleep, I’m teased with the appearance of what I secretly would wish to have in reality.
It’s so close to having it, that I cry when I wake up.
Couldn’t it be more cruel?
I console myself with the fact that I’m still lucky for the little I have.
I can’t relate to what most people have lived through that I wonder how the hell do I still connect with them…
I’m the one who understands but never is understood.
It’s a lonely world no matter how many people will smile back at me…

I just keep the hope..that I’ll be blessed with more meaningful and beautiful moments…

Love life is a failure

I might be young, going on twenty, but I have had my fair share of heartaches.

For the time being, I just feel acutely lonely for the friends I usually confide in at almost every level have ceased to be part of my everyday life.

There’s nothing more disheartening that realising no one cares enough to really be there or listen to you…

I might continue ranting about loneliness but my life is blessed with people who even if are not aware of my everyday struggles, share moments with me that makes everyday worth the while. Their smiles, laughs, and presence lift me up.

It’s so hard to find someone who you might connect with in a fulfilling way, who you can talk to about your spiritual struggles and philosophical questions.

But when it comes to being attracted, and feeling something in this little heart of mine, I always find myself in situations where I end up just casted out, second best, or simply disliked.

I spend time focusing on the qualities rather than the flaws, it usually comes as a big surprise to me to be disapproved for being who I am.

I’ve changed over the years. I’ve learned to accept people for who they are, gone out of my way to make an effort to talk and be a friend to those much much more different than me.
Gone out of my comfort zone…
Yet, it’s so disappointing that not everyone respect you or even love you for who you are.

One has to have money, be dressed according to society’s likes and dislikes, and adopt the worldwide standards to be admired, noticed…considered…

I don’t say love because love holds much more meaning than whatever it holds for the world.

I’m just sad that the true wealth of the world is not recognised.

Whatever we have inside is discarded for the outside appearances. Each and everyone acts out in a worldwide play, adopting a character instead of having the courage to be free.
Without freedom, there is no love.

As hard as it might be to walk alone, to be rejected, and disapproved, I’m not going to cry for being true to myself…

I just wish, someday, somewhere, someone might find me and really see me as well as love me…to forever keep…

Meanwhile I’ll just have to drink a cup of tea alone but always smiling ^_^